Welcome to another edition of “Out Of My Mind” … the column that routinely helps little old ladies across the street, whether they want to go or not.

Scientists report they have found a rock that can soak up carbon dioxide, reduce greenhouse gas and help slow global warming. That is one impressive rock. But not as impressive as the stick scientists found that can regrow human limbs. Or the sandwich they found that can speak twelve languages. Or the Indian head nickel that proves the existence of God.

In Manhattan, they got a hamburger costs $175. It’s a Kobe burger with black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms and flecks of gold on a brioche bun. For an extra 35 cents, you can supersize it.

NASA says that in the near future, astronauts aboard the International Space Station will use purified urine as drinking water. The system’s lead engineer said NASA has done taste tests on the urinated water and nobody had any, quote-unquote, “strong objections, other than a faint taste of iodine.” No strong objections? Tastes like iodine? NASA, where’s the Tang? This is too much information. As Marie Antoinette might say, “Let them drink beer.”

But hey ~ that NASA story ties into another story that came out this week about a politician in New Jersey who was enjoying a rock concert so much from his balcony seat, he decided to urinate on the concert goers below. No one seemed to be too upset, though, about a politician peeing on them. One concert goer even commented, “Actually, it was a welcome change.”

Let me ask you, is anybody curious where that big $700 billion government bailout is going? Well, Goldman Sachs is using $6.8 billion of it as bonuses to the CEOs who drove the corporation into the ground. Another financial giant, Morgan Stanley, is using $6.4 billion for bonuses as well. That’s where at least $13.2 billion of the bailout money is going. Hey, but if you think that’s over the top, the Federal Reserve said they ain’t even going to tell us who’s getting two trillion dollars in emergency loans they’re spreading around. Money like that goes straight from Washington into a vacuum and it is gone. I’m still trying to figure out how we pumped three billion into New Orleans after Katrina and people are still living in shacks, drawing welfare. All the people drawing down there, I thought it was an artist colony.

And now, boys and girls, it’s time for the “And I Quote” multiple-choice quiz: Here’s the quote, spoken by Barack Obama this week: “Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.” Was Barack talking about, (A). Drinking from a hose during his last visit to Kenya? (B). Accepting some hand sanitizer after shaking hands with George Bush? or, (C). His balcony experience at a New Jersey rock concert?

Mighty Barack. He’s been traveling the nation since the election. Says he wants to visit every state in the country before he takes office. He’s visited 57 states so far, which leaves two to go.

That so-called “pregnant man,” Thomas Beatie? He’s pregnant again and I’m tired already. ABC News is calling it an “Exclusive!” with the “Exclusive!” Barbara Walters interview to go along with it. People, this is not a freakin pregnant man. It’s a pregnant woman. The media drove me nuts with this stuff the first time this woman who’s calling herself a man got pregnant. She’s not a man, she’s a woman with all her female parts. What on earth is wrong with people? Woman calls herself a man, gets pregnant and ABC News is on it like the Enquirer during their Bat Child heyday. You can call yourself anything you want, it don’t make you that thing. What? It does make you that thing? Really? Then I’m a godlike being from Alpha Centauri who shoots electricity from his eyes and lives in a cheeseburger.

Of course, what else can you expect from ABC News? They describe domestic terrorist William Ayers as “a distinguished professor of education.” Too bad the Symbionese Liberation Army gang died in that big shoot-out with police back in ‘74. They could have probably gained respectability in the field of education, too. Or journalism.

And I Quote: “Guilty as hell, free as a bird. I love this country.” ~ William Ayers, gloating after he got off on a technicality for bombing a police department, the Capitol building and the Pentagon … good times, good times

Anybody know what ever became of Steven Weed?

Speaking of educators, the learned professors at Oxford University have complied a top ten list of the most irritating phrases in the English language. They are, 1). At the end of the day, 2). Fairly unique, 3). I personally, 4). At this moment in time, 5). With all due respect, 6). Absolutely, 7). It’s a nightmare, 8). Shouldn’t of, 9). 24/7, and 10). It’s not rocket science.

Well, at the end of the day, everyone is entitled to an opinion. And Oxford’s list of irritating phrases is fairly unique. But I personally, at least at this moment in time and with all due respect to the learned professors, think it’s a bunch of academic folderol. Absolutely. In fact, it’s a nightmare and they shouldn’t of done it. That’s all we hear anymore, 24/7, is what we’re supposed to think and say. Oxford should leave people alone and let them speak in clichés if they want to. It’s not rocket science.

Congratulations are in order for Team Obama. They pulled it off, didn’t they? Raised record amounts of money. Steamrolled the mighty Clintons, steamrolled McCain. They’re naming mountains for him down in Antigua and Barbuda, wherever that is, calling him Excellency. He’s the center of the universe right now and you got to give him props for doing that, a black guy in the White House, the first one. That’s history. Don’t underestimate President Bam. He’s goood. It didn’t even surprise me when I received a personal letter from him in the mail the day after the election. Here, let me read it to you …

“Dear J. Michael,

“(signed) Mighty Barack Obama

“P.S. And you definitely need to tone down your column. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore, J. bird. It’s partisan and racist. You used to be relevant, but you’ve lost your mojo. Tighten up.”

Wow, huh? Personal letter from Obama. Welcome to the Change Train, huh? Hey, conductor, stamp my ticket and pour me a big glass of Kool Aid cause I’m powerful thirsty and I need a ride.

I don’t know, maybe Obama is right. Maybe I have lost my mojo. I used to be a halfway clever guy, didn’t I? Now look at me. Still clinging to the Republicans, still hoping George Bush is gonna come through. I guess I keep hoping Bush will do something spectacular at the last minute to show us there is some method to his madness. Like maybe he’ll go on TV and explain that his whole time in office was a hoax because the world had been invaded by an armada of vicious war monsters from outer space who wanted to take over the Earth and enslave the humans. And the only way Bush could defeat them was to pretend to be a slow-witted Texan and the last eight years were part of a big, top-secret security offensive, and through cunning and aplomb, George Bush was able to trick the space invaders and successfully defeat them before they could do any harm. Then he used their advanced technology to create a new science that makes it possible for every American to be young and rich and attractive and be able to fly. And that’s the reason his presidency many have seemed a bit skewed ~ he was saving the world from space invaders. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

Okay, I got to think of something, some topic of discussion that won’t get me in dutch with the prez. Nothing offensive, nothing political. Let’s see … what do I like?

Well, I like cheese. I often write of cheeseburgers in this column. You may have read me doing that. So yeah, I like cheese. In fact, I love cheese. Cheese makes everything taste good. You could melt cheese on a turd and it would taste like a grill cheese sandwich. I like it on biscuits, pizza, eggs, jello. I love all the different types of cheese, the different shades, the one with the holes. I even love saying the word … cheeeeese. Someone says I’m cheesy, I don’t take offense. I’d wear cheese as clothing if a designer would make a comfortable pair of pants out of it. I hate everything about Wisconsin ~ the Packers, the weather, the people ~ but every day of my life since I was a kid, I’ve wished I was from there just so I could be a cheesehead. If I was a mouse, put a little cheese on a mousetrap and you’d nail me every single time. You know what I like? Those products that advertise “Cheesier Cheese!” or say they’re the “Cheesiest!” What a wonderful concept ~ you have cheese, you put some more cheese in with it, all of a sudden it’s “cheesier cheese!” And if you keep adding more and more cheese until it’s so cheesy that it’s not scientifically possible to add another single cheese molecule, it becomes the “cheesiest!”

What am I doing? I’m prattling about cheese. I am going on and on about cheese. I’m trying to be innocuous, not be political, but I can’t do it. Look … I’ve got to say this. It’s got to be said. I already told you I’m on board the O Train. I got my mind right. I’m wearing my “In Obama We Trust” t-shirt. I got me one of them offertory candles with the picture of Obama in robes and a halo. I’m setting aside money for the less fortunate, above and beyond whatever he’s gonna take and I ain’t complaining. I’m down with it. But I got to say this: The media is telling us we should get behind “our president” … whether we were for him or not, we should “pray for our president” … we should “respect the office of the presidency” … even if we didn’t support Obama in the election, we should support him now. May I add an amen to that? But what I’m saying … all of a sudden they’re talking about all the respect due the office of president and the person who holds that title, when there’s not been a single day gone by since the 2000 election that the media hasn’t vilified, ridiculed, lied about, maligned and libeled President George Bush. Now they’re all of a sudden conciliatory. It’s easy to be magnanimous in victory, huh? But I’ll tell you this …

… uh, hold on a sec, I’m getting a phone call. Hello? … Who? … Oh my word, hello, sir. Congratulations, I got your letter … What? … Oh uh, no sir, I’m not busy, let me just get rid of this other call …

Hey look, I gotta take this. It’s O-freakin-bama. I don’t think I’m supposed to mention Orgjay Ushbay in my column anymore. I guess his civilian national security force has been monitoring my computer. Okay, gotta go. I may or may not see you back here next time.

… I’m sorry, sir, I’m back … What, you thought I was serious with that? Naw, naw, that was joking. That was just joking. Some of that wacky Out Of My Mind humor … Yes, sir. Just getting jiggy with it, trying to get that mojo back …

and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee, oh sha sha, we got to live together.

I‘m posting this column several days before the election. A lot of people think Mighty Barack’s gonna win this one. He’s already putting together his transition team and the triad of tripe ~ Pelosi, Reid and Bawny Fwank ~ have been gloating and planning the celebration party for weeks. Sort of a study in hubris. But contrary to spin, this thing’s never been a lock. It’s been close the whole way and I’ve been mulling over the possibility of McCain winning the popular vote and Obama taking the electorate. That’s what happened in 2000 with Bush and Gore. Remember that? Remember the bogus cries of, “Bush stole the election!” Sure you do because the media is still carping about stolen elections. But you can’t blame them for not knowing how government works ~ most of them were educated in public schools. And those that weren’t were probably educated somewhere even worse … like Harvard.

What? Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, that was a slam at our educational system. You picked up on that, huh? Schools ain’t teaching how government works anymore. You know, most people don’t even know they live in a Republic. They think they live in a Democracy. And after decades of being educated by a partisan public school bureaucracy, maybe you can understand why. See, back in 2000, Bush won fair and square under the laws of this very cool little Republic in which we live … and if it plays out that way this time with Obama winning the electorate, he will have won it fair and square under those same laws.

So, anyway … what I’m sayin’ is, use some sense about yourself. Unless your mother raised a fool, don’t insult her by acting like one.

And I ain’t saying this whole ACORN fiasco has gotten out of hand, but in Chicago they actually have a dead goldfish named Princess on the rolls. Not sure who Princess is supporting in the presidential race, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t McCain.

An American company has developed a new supersonic jet plane called the Aerion that makes the Concorde look like Wilbur and Orville at Kitty Hawk. It is so fast, a round trip ticket will actually get you back to where you started two weeks before you left. Which leaves you plenty of time to cancel your flight and get a refund on your ticket. Win-win, all aboard.

First, the kids at Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, Illinois celebrated “Spirit Week.” That was so much fun, they decided to have a “Hug a Friend Day.” That worked out so well, they came up with “High Five Day.” That went without a hitch, so they held a “Hit a Tall Person Day.” Hitting was good, so they decided to have a “Hit a Jew Day.” At which point the school district finally stepped in with an “Expel an Idiot From School Day.”

Hit a Jew Day? I didn’t think middle schoolers even knew what a Jew was anymore. Maybe public education is working.

The word is out … the famed Mona Lisa is deteriorating. The world famous painting of the alluringly bemused woman with the mysterious smile is something like 500 years old now and she’s starting to show her age. Hey ~ who’s laughing now, Mona? Huh? Who’s laughing now?

Why am cracking on Mona all of a sudden? She ain’t never done nothing to me. I don’t even know the woman. I don’t know what gets into me.

London City Airport had to be evacuated recently and all flights grounded because of a terrible stink coming from the restroom. Yeah, we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

In an attempt to be fair, Saturday Night Live has scheduled a comedy bit for next week’s show that features a look-alike from the cast ridiculing and belittling Michelle Obama. Naw, I’m just messin’ with you. We all know that ain’t gonna happen.

And I Quote: “(Republicans) can go f - - k themselves.” ~ Rahm Emanuel, Barack Obama’s top choice to be his chief of staff

According to a United Nations investigator on human rights, North Korea has begun shutting down cell phone service and long distance calls within the country to prevent the news of a critical food shortage from spreading. Barack Obama is said to be closely watching the situation because it’s such a great way of controlling information and stifling dissent, he might want to implement similar polices here after he becomes president.

Meanwhile, Venezuelan tyrant Hugo Chavez wants to jail his main political rival, saying “I am determined to put Manuel Rosales behind bars. A swine like that has to be in prison.” Barack Obama is said to be closely watching the situation because it’s such a great way of controlling information and stifling dissent, he might want to implement similar polices here after he becomes president.

Is there an echo in here?

And I Quote: “If am sittin’ pretty, and you’ve got a waitress who is making minimum wage plus tips, and I can afford it and she can’t, what’s the big deal for me to say I’m going to pay a little bit more? That is neighborliness.” ~ Barack Obama

It’s neighborliness, Barack, if you choose to help her out. If you force the rest of us to help her out when we don’t want to, it’s called getting in our face.

And which is worse ~ that Obama won’t release his birth certificate, or that Joe Biden won’t release his brain scan? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Lastly, Joe Biden said, rather ominously, that mighty Barack will be “tested” by the world within the first six weeks of his presidency. But don’t worry, it’ll be a standardized test and graded on a curve. Even a public school kid could pass it.

THE FIRST HALLOWEEN
(to the tune of The First Noel)

The first Halloween, all the creatures did say
Was to check out the dead folks in graves where they lay.
In graves where they lay eaten by worms,
And fungus and stink bugs and humus and germs.

O’ Halloween, Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween.
Barbequed children make tasty cuisine.

All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve,
All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve.
Snatched from your bedrooms, your mothers will grieve.

The first Halloween was a heck of a thing
When abominations all roamed in a gang.
Wreaking mayhem and ruin all across this great land,
From the coal mines of Kentuck’ to the ol’ Rio Grande.

O’ Halloween, Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween.
There’s torture and murder and all things between.

All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve,
All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve.
All kinds of bad things that you won’t believe.

* * * * *

STEMMY CELLS
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Fleeing through the fen
In a leaky old pirogue
From a genic specimen
With a 60s style Afro.

We made him in a lab
From discarded body parts
And beans and puke and witches’ scabs
And a battery for a heart.

O stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
You never know what kind of horror we’ll invent today ~ Hey!
Stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
O what fun it is to cast all cautiousness away.

We shocked the thing to life
To see what he would do,
He stabbed us with a knife
And smacked us with his shoe.

Then chased us all outside
Into the black abyss.
Drove half of us to suicide
And half of us to bliss.

O stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
We’re all dead now and our guts are turning to decay ~ Hey!
Stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
O what fun it is for a mad scientist today.

* * * * *

O’ LITTLE TOWN OF TRANSYLVANIA
(to the tune of O’ Little Town of Bethlehem)

O‘ little town of Transylvania, how clear we see Drac fly.
Above the devil dogs he soars, he seeks to terrify.
Yet in that dark night shineth Drac’s bloody canine teeth,
And all the undead townsfolk who are now all gone beneath.

O’ little town of Transylvania, where ghouls reign supreme,
The peasants flee in helplessness and all the children scream.
Then yonder comes the wolfman with Frankenstein in tow,
You know this won’t end well for you, you’ll be dead soon you know.

* * * * *

AWAY IN A GRAVEYARD
(to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Away in a graveyard, no crypt for the dead,
Corpses could only roam around instead.
The doctor was screaming, the babe bit his throat,
Then crept out the window and suckled a goat.

Away in a graveyard, in a coffin he lay,
He had only just been buried that day.
The thought of eternity burned in his bones,
No time for regrets now, no time to atone.

Away in a graveyard, a graverobber’s there
On business most foul, he wears teeth in his hair.
His shovel is digging, their poor bones he breaks,
And all of their jewelry and gold he then takes.

Away in a graveyard, a grave waits for you,
They’ll dump you into it and bid you adieu.
Soon no one will even remember your name,
As you dance and you twitter alone in the flame.

* * * * *

SILENT NIGHT
(to the tune of Silent Night)

Silent night, murder night,
Vampires suck, werewolves bite.
Round yon corpse with its ribs showing through,
Better watch out, now they’re coming for you.
Run you fool, better run.
Ooh, too late, now you’re done.

Silent night, crawly night,
A beast with12 legs, said bon appétit.
Then bit the head off of some vagabond,
Sucked out the juices until it was done.
Then picked its teeth with the bones,
Picked its teeth with the bones.

Silent night, stabby night,
Severed heads in the moonlight.
Psychos carrying ears in a jar,
To sell or swap at the monster bazaar.
Terrorists lurk past the hill,
Silent and eager to kill.

Greetings, gentle reader. It is I once again, your favorite pundit and crusader, fighting the forces of evil one paragraph at a time. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

You know how somebody’ll be driving along and their car will drift a bit to the right without them realizing it and all of a sudden the right front wheel slips off the pavement and onto the shoulder, so they overreact and yank the steering wheel hard left and the car jumps back onto the road, across their lane, over the yellow line and they plow head-on into oncoming traffic causing a big, fiery 87-car pile up where everybody dies? That’s what’s happening in this country. George Bush is the shoulder of the road and Barack Obama is that overreaction that’s gonna kill everybody.

Speaking of killing, American troops killed the #2 al-Qaida terrorist guy in Iraq this past week in Mosul. Didn’t hear much about that in the news, did you? But the next jerk I hear saying that the war in Iraq has been lost, I’m going to make a voodoo doll in their likeness, sit it in front of a boom box, pop in an old Vanilla Ice or Barry Manilow cassette, turn the volume up and leave it there for six years.

Anyway … a note to terrorists (and to China and Russia and all our other enemies for that matter) ~ lighten up, guys, and just be patient. Give us another generation and you can have America for free. Studies show that watching too much TV rewires the brains of small children into an attention deficit disorder mode. Another study shows that Ritalin stunts a kid’s growth. Throw ACORN and the obesity epidemic into the mix and the next generation will be a bunch of smallish, fat, drugged-out Democrats. Anybody wants to will be able to just waltz in here and conquer the U.S. with nothing but two guys and a sharp stick.

You know, Obama said if he was president he would get Osama. But Osama is a big fan of Obama. Osama wants Obama to be president. So why does Obama want to get Osama? Maybe for a cabinet position?

Do you ever feel estranged from your furniture? Right now me and my bed aren’t really getting along. I haven’t been making it. The bed, I mean. I haven’t been making it. Not going to, neither. Once, I didn’t speak to my coffee table for three weeks, and about two years ago me and my commode had to go into counseling because I just refused to flush it anymore. But this is not something I usually tell people.

Someone said to me this week that if Barack Obama were white, the vast majority of negative comments we hear about him would never have been made. I told them that if Barack Obama were white, McCain would be running against Hillary right now. Beside, I ain’t hearing anything negative being said about Barack Obama. Leastwise, not in the media.

I don’t want to bore you all with my little martial dramas, but me and my wife have been sort bickering all week. One of those silly things that I don’t even remember how it got started. You ever do that? Arguing about something you don’t even remember what it was? Oh, wait ~ I do remember. We were arguing about who put the bop in the bop shoe bop shoe bop. I say it was Mark Twain, she says it was Shakespeare. Foolish, contentious woman.

Look ~ the rest of us may claim to be cat lovers, but in Peru they walk the walk. Last week they celebrated their annual “Gastronomical Festival of the Cat” (known colloquially as the “Massacre of the Moggies”). They pay tribute to the feline by chowing down on cat burgers, fried cat legs and fried cat tails. And probably a lot of beer. But Peruvians claim that eating cats is an aphrodisiac. Which I figured is reason enough to try it. It was a no go. And, honestly, cats taste like pee.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m a little a’scared of Obama and his wacky friends. Up in Chicago, Louis Farrakhan ~ who has described mighty Barack as the “hope of the entire world” and “the Messiah” ~ has announced that mighty Barack is a “new beginning” for the Nation of Islam. That concerns me. Of course, Farrakhan also said the white race was engineered by a demented black scientist named Yacub 6,800 years ago … and that there’s a flying saucer, which he calls the “Mother Wheel,” or sometimes “Ezekiel’s wheel,” in earth orbit waiting to take black people to paradise. So I try to take Farrakhan with a grain of salt. What? You don’t believe me? Then Google it already. I can’t make this stuff up.

And You know why Obama keeps talking about change, don’t you? Because if he becomes president, that’s all taxpayers will have in their pockets … change.

Public watchdogs groups are now reporting that Joe Biden has funneled more than $2 million from his failed presidential campaign to members of his family. But hey ~ no prob. Unless you watch FoxNews or read this column, you’ll never know about it.

Okay, look … I ain’t too big that I won’t admit to a mistake, okay? That idea I proposed last week that we replace Christmas with a Winter Pancreas Day didn’t meet with a very favorable response. It didn’t test well. In fact, everybody hated the idea, thought it was stupid (except for maybe a couple of junior clerics in Islamabad). Well, okay, fine. How about some of y’all coming up with an idea then. At least I’m trying to be part of the solution. You know, when Barack gets in the White House, we’re gonna have to lose some of these traditional holidays we’ve grown so attached to. We’re also gonna have to be more sensitive to our Muslim brethren. And I don’t know any other culture anywhere, living or dead, that’s ever made a holiday for the pancreas. I think it would totally catch on. But nothing’s good enough for you, fine. It’s a free country. At least it is until January. Then Barack will be running this monkey farm and you’ll be begging for me to come up with some ideas for you. And I won’t even say I told you so.

Yes I will.

And so I quit the po-leece department

And tho’ she tried her best to …

Oh, hello. Have we started the column already? You caught me in the shower. Hold on while I towel off. Don’t peek.

There. All dry.

Okay, I’m know I’m running late this week, but before I get to my column, I’ve got a truly great offer for my homosexual readers. If you’re gay and you and your partner want to be married, I will be performing very reasonably priced same sex marriages now through the first of the year. As long as there’s a same sex couple anywhere within the tri-state area who wants to join hands in holy matrimony, I’m your guy. Price includes champagne and a sandwich. So what if I’m not a licensed minister ~ it’s not legal anyway. Special this week: Half off to any couple who can tell me the name of Congressman Barney Frank’s boyfriend.

Now, on with the show …

Obesity has overtaken smoking as the leading cause of preventable deaths in this country. That’s kind of sad when you think about it. It’s like the end of an era. Smoking’s always been the rock star of preventable deaths. I know it brought a fortune into Tennessee, both in commerce and lawsuits. And now it’s being replaced by eating? Just seems so bogus. Maybe we should consider installing cigarette machines in our schools. Or do like ACORN does and give homeless people cigarettes every time they register as Democrats. I don’t know, I’m just tossing off ideas, but we’ve got to do something to level the playing field.

And anyway, who would have ever thought trans fat would be such a problem? I mean, that’s why God created elastic waistbands. Go with it.

Note to creative writing students: The current obesity epidemic is a good example of irony ~ in Africa, they’re dying because they have no food; in the U.S., we’re dying because we have too much. (I read somewhere that if I make an occasional educational-type aside like this to the students, I can take this column off my taxes.)

And I Quote: “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” ~ Jack Handy

Statistics show that America now has over one million lawyers. Over one million. That means everyone in the world will be involved in some type of litigation before the end of the year.

Another reason I’m beginning to believe we did, in fact, descend from monkeys (aside from this glut of lawyers we got) is the way monkeys throw feces at one another to express their anger. Just check out how people have been behaving during this presidential campaign. Talk about slingin’ the crap around, that’s got to be a throw-back to our monkey ancestors. You think that behavior came from the Garden of Eden? Of course, I also read that throwing dung could also be the way monkeys express affection. When it comes to throwing poop, it’s a pretty thin line between love and hate.

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while now ~ you all know the pancreas is a source of insulin, which, of course, controls the blood sugar. But the pancreas also produces enzymes that break down our food for digestion. That’s one important organ. So what I’ve been thinking is … because of all the controversy about having Christmas be a religious holiday, how about we change December 25 to the Winter Pancreas Day of Celebration. Get rid of all that baby Jesus and Santa Claus stuff and go a whole ‘nother direction with it. I know this is kind of late notice and it’s probably not for everybody, but how about it? Just change Christmas to a Pancreas celebration. Who could be offended by that? Not even the Muslims could be offended by that cause everybody’s got a pancreas, right? If not this year, maybe when Obama becomes president he can make it official for next year.

Ooh, ooh … I’ve got a great put-down for the next time I want to insult somebody ~ “Save your breath, pal … you’ll need it to blow up your date.” Boy, I can’t wait to use that one on somebody.

Did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Well, they do. Does that make you uncomfortable? Does that challenge your preconceptions about eating and table manners? Then you, my friend, are a butterfly racist.

The basic scale in traditional Chinese music is, “gong-shang-jue-zhi-yu.” It’s the equivalent of “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti.” Like this ~ Gong, a chime, a great big chime … Shang, a ranga langa lang … Jue, is June without the n … zhi, a cool way of sayin’ hi … yu, a note to follow zhi …

Uh, hold on, we’ll have to get back to that … I’ve just been handed a bulletin. Ladies and gentlemen, I have some breaking news: A tragic fire last night destroyed the presidential library of George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were destroyed. Bush is said to be devastated by the loss as he had not finished coloring in the second one yet. More on this story as it develops. (I have to start including more Bush-bashing humor or there won’t be no media outlets anywhere in the world who will run this column.)

By the way, if you ever need to find your pancreas, it’s located behind and below your stomach in the upper left side of your abdomen. And, while the pancreas is certainly an attractive organ, as far as organs go, it is a bit slimy and, unfortunately, smells like guts.

The definition of “arachibutyrophobia” is, “The fear of having peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth.” That’s for when you absolutely, positively don’t have anything else left, anywhere in the world, to be afraid of.

Oh, I’ve got another great put down … “Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.” That’s another good one. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I can’t wait to use that one, either. I’m just dying for somebody to get smart with me because, buddy, I am ready with a come-back.

Only 75 more shopping days til Winter Pancreas.

Okay, here we go … Gong, a chime, a great big chime … Shang, a ranga langa lang … …

by The Texas Trouble Maker

I have been giving some thought to J. Michael’s last article where he mentioned something about his becoming “increasingly caustic and bitter” the closer we get to election day. So I am writing this column to tell my readers and the world that I feel the same way. Only I, who lack JM’s politeness and sophistication, will say what is on my mind in words that are a bit sharper.

For instance — I think Obama is a treacherous piece of socialistic crap and is using the Democratic party to get into the White House. Which he intends to decorate the doorstops with the likes of Louis Farrakhan, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and domestic terrorist William Ayers. He and his supporters ought not be called Democrats anyway; a better name would be Social Pollution Party of Moral Decay.

Yeah, yeah, I know there are some left-leaning tripe who will call me a racist because I am pointing out Obama as being crap. However, I don’t think that has anything to do with race. Crap is crap and trash is trash and I don’t mind saying so.

I am tired of 63 years of Democrats meandering down the road to the hog wallow. I think that skinny Ann Coulter female got it right when she said, “They aim to destroy America from the inside with their relentless attacks on morality and the truth!”

Guess who she was talking about? As a clue, she wasn’t talking about Republicans or the Taliban or al Qaeda or the Chinese commies or the Russian commies or even the North Koreans. Nope, she was talking about Henry Wallace and his liberal views back when Roosevelt was President. Yes! That is how far back the current policies and dreams and political platforms of the Democrats go.

Apparently, the Demoncraps are still at it. What’s it been? Sixty-three years? We sure have to give them credit for being persistent. Then again, maybe we don’t have to. Maybe we should just recognize them for what they are and vote for Sarah, Cindy and that Navy fellow John. And I hope that when they get into office they will appoint Ann Coulter as the head of Homeland Security. Maybe I will even come out of retirement to be the White House Press Secretary.

I suppose I should warn everyone that you can expect me to become increasingly more caustic and bitter the closer we get to election day. I always go a little nuts around now. But don’t worry … right after November 4th, we’ll all be counting down to Christmas and I’ll be jolly and kind once more. Unless, of course, some politically correct tool starts telling me I can’t call it “Christmas” or mention Our Lord. In which case, I will not only continue being caustic and bitter, but will probably become a little beady-eyed, too.

You gotta understand, as a young man I was your typical idealistic liberal hippie. I’m the only person I know ~ and now the only person you know ~ who was actually at Woodstock. I had no choice but to be a Democrat. Just like young idealists today, I was convinced that Republicans were all rich white people. It’s like Winston Churchill said ~ if you’re 20 and you’re not a liberal, you don’t got no heart … and if you’re 40 and you’re not a conservative, you don’t got no brain. You think I’m kidding, but my first presidential election, I voted for McGovern. That wasn’t bad enough, so I voted for Jimmy Carter, too. Twice. But I couldn’t keep plugging all the intellectual and spiritual holes in liberal logic, so at some point during the Reagan years, I became a Republican. I had to. What other choice was there? Independent? Libertarian? Nobody had even invented the Constitution or Green parties yet. You had to be Dem or Repub.

So anyway, election time makes me a little nuts, but I come by it honestly.

And yes, I’m in the tank for Sarahcuda. I think she ate Joe’s lunch and popped the bag. And all this time, Joe Biden and mighty Barack have been going around telling everybody they’re the ticket of change. Okay, but then at the VP debate, Joe says he hasn’t changed in 30 years and wasn’t going to be changing anytime soon. Joe, pick a hand. One thing or the other, my friend. Anyway, thirty years is a long time not to have changed. Didn’t I just tell you I was a Democrat thirty years ago? Joe, I got news for you ~ in thirty years, you’ve changed.

And I Quote: “I certainly wish Governor Palin no harm. I’d just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views.” ~ Caucasian comedienne Sandra Bernhard, sort’a kind’a apologizing to Sarah for calling her a b-word and saying if she ever came to New York she would be “gang-raped” by Bernhard’s “big black brothers.”

Yeah, see, because vulgar, racist, misogynistic hate speech is not outrageous.

But freakin’ Hollywood, though, man. They’re talking about going on strike again. They just got off strike, now they’re going back on? Hollywood, listen to me, don’t be like Wall Street. You got enough money. And quit churning out crap. We got high def and Blu-ray and theater-size TV screens now. Just stop being a jerk and give us some good movies.

Speaking of actors, Sharon Stone wanted her eight-year-old adopted son to have Botox injections because his feet smelled bad. I don’t know, Sharon, but maybe you could try having the kid change his socks first? Maybe throw his sneakers in the washer? You know, keep the Botox as a sort of last resort kind of thing. What do you recommend for an ear ache ~ open heart surgery? If he gets a runny nose, you going to amputate? (And Sharon replies, “Just keeping it green, little people. Vote Obama!”)

You may remember Sharon Stone from the 2001 incident in which she treated her husband, Phil Bronstein, to a private tour of the Los Angeles zoo for Father’s Day. As a special treat, she arranged for Bronstein to share the enclosure of a 10-foot Komodo Dragon so he could pet it. Of course, as soon as Bronstein was in the pen, the Komodo Dragon tried to eat him. They had to reattach his foot. I mean, that was a really nice Father’s Day gift, but maybe next time just buy him a tie? And as a rule of thumb, don’t try to get cuddly with something that’s a dragon. Okay? Kittens, bunny rabbits, most breeds of dog … okay. Dinosaurs … not recommended.

And I Quote: “Michael Savage was right - Liberalism is a Mental Disorder. These people are certifiably insane. Rational, sober, productive humanity cannot coexist with them. The time is approaching [rapidly] when we will have to part ways.” ~ Posted at newsreview.com, 10/02/2008 7:29AM by l00rk3r

Where are all the fine young savages anyhow? By the way, Missouri ~ I now pronounce you Brave New World. Go take your O-soma.

This is weird. O. J. Simpson took the fall this week, but check it out. He was found guilty exactly 13 years to the day from when he was acquitted of murder. His trial lasted 13 days and the jury deliberated for 13 hours. When I heard the news, I was standing on the sidewalk with 13 other people watching it on a TV in a shop on 13th Street. The guy next to me sneezed 13 times. I suddenly realized I was in my 13th week of sobriety and I had 13 bucks in my pocket, so I immediately went to the track and put the 13 bucks on a mudder named Lucky 13 to win. He came in 13th. Bada-BING!

And yes, I guess the Juice was my accomplice in the theft and mutilation of that old joke.

A guy in Ft. Myers, Florida shot himself in the arm because his girlfriend didn’t want to get intimate with him after a night of drinking. Guy nagged her until she went to the spare bedroom to get away from him. So he shot himself in the arm, staggered into the kitchen and “knocked himself unconscious.” But I’ll bet’cha he gets some now … cause nothing says romance like a whiny, drunken fool shooting off guns in the house.

That bunch of intellectual pointy heads over in Europe who award Pulitzer prizes in literature aren’t even going to consider anything from America cause they say we’re too insular and ignorant to be considered serious writers. Okay, I can understand if they’re talking about Joyce Carol what’s-her-name or Phil Roth or some of them other lightweights ~ but they have obviously never read nothing I’ve wrote. And don’t be selling insular and ignorant short, my limey intellectual peers. It’s what’s made this country great.

I just read where Spain pays their illegal immigrants to go back where they came from. Now see, that’s interesting to me because in this country we pay our illegals to stay here. Spain gives them money to leave, the illegals take the money and go. We give them money to stay, the illegals take the money and they don’t go anywhere. And people wonder why our financial system is crashing. That’s why. We are a stupid people.

And I Quote: “I was taught that the U.S.A. is the motherland of moneymaking. And now all I can see is a herd of headless chickens running around on Wall Street.” ~ Hanna Evers, a Berlin retailer

America’s … headless Wall Street chickens … coming home to roost.

You know, I don’t like to editorialize, but there is a certain type of “music” that has saturated our culture and I feel it’s doing great harm to us as a society. Yes, I am talking about crap music. I understand it’s a cultural thing, but that’s no excuse. The lyrics are garbage ~ Yo my negro wiff yo finger on da tegro got da crack ho, smack ho, mo jo, Kokomo, bust a cap in yo face mo … it’s not even words, what they’re saying. They got the name right, though, cause it truly is crap music and you should all avoid it. What? What’s that you say? You say it’s called rap music, not crap music? Oh. Really? I did not know that. Well, I’m kinda embarrassed, I been saying it wrong all this time. Thanks for setting me straight. But it’s still crap.

And I Quote: “If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention. Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through.” ~ Florida Democratic Congressman Alcee Hastings

Better living through Affirmative Action. And rap music.

Senior centers all across the country are making adjustments to accommodate the glut of elderly baby boomers who are now coming of age. To prepare, old folks’ homes are laying in plenty of beer, Beatles CDs and weed.

A guy in West Virginia was being booked for a DUI when he decided to “pass gas” at one of the guards. They charged him with battery on a police officer. Seriously … battery for pooting on a cop. Is that a misdemeanor or a felony? What a little stinker, that guy. Can’t call him anal retentive, that’s for sure. Yeah, coppers, run that one through your breathalyzer, see if it’s over the legal limit. Talk about your green house gasses. I’ve heard of thumbing your nose at the law, but pulling your finger? Bad boy, bad boy do you gotta poo? Can’t blame that one on the dog, though. Guy must’a been Russian … he kept calling for Putin. Somebody said he was studying fartology at the community college and just decided he’d do a little homework. Hi, I’m T. Boone Pickens and I want to talk to you about wind power. Anybody see that new sci fi flick, “Gas from Uranus”? Something’s rotten in Denmark, alright … Denmark, West Virginia. But seriously, that story stinks.

And I Quote: “I like that little Down Syndrome kid. One of them lives down the street.” ~ Bill Clinton, bragging on little Trig Palin

But that’s gold … “I like that little Down Syndrome kid.” You know what that reminds me of? When Bubba was president and he was at the National Geographic museum looking at that newly discovered Incan mummy named “Juanita” that was on display, and he says, “You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good-looking mummy.” You can’t write that stuff. And ol’ Bubba delivered for eight solid years. You see what you’re lost, Barack Obama? By not asking Hillary to be your vice president, you have not only lost the election, you have deprived the rest of us of another decade of The Bubba Show. And you call yourself presidential. Pull-eeze.

But I did learn one thing from the first presidential debate that I didn’t know … McCain and Obama both got bracelets.

Muslims, who have long held that Barbie and Ken dolls are decadent, now have their own versions. The Muslim dolls are called Dara and Sara and come equipped with their own accessories, including a chastening rod and scimitar for Dara in case Sara gets out of line, and a removable head for Sara in case Dara has to decapitate her.

Speaking of Islam, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at the United Nations this past week, telling that august body that the U.S. had pretty much reached the end of the road. He said “a few bullying powers” (wink, wink) have been standing in the way of Iran’s “peaceful nuclear activities” and it had to stop. Of course, by “peaceful nuclear activities,” Mahmoud means relentlessly pursuing the goal of eradicating every Jew on the planet forthwith and turning Israel into a white hot steaming pile of radioactive slag.You know, when God told Abraham that Ishmael would be a wild donkey of a man and his hand would be raised against everyone? That was, like, the biggest understatement in the history of the world.

by The Texas Trouble Maker

According to an article by David Davis in the Banner about the County Commission meeting of 23 Sep, Vice Chair Jeff Yarber could not/would not answer questions about the hiring of a part time employee for $30,000 a year whose sole job will be to make sure the nipples are properly affixed to the milk bottles that some of the commissioners apparently suck on, instead of doing county business.

You know the hiring of such a part time position at $30K must smell to high heaven when some of the commissioners object to the hiring — and the way the hiring is being handled — and how … well, it is outwardly a rotten deal.

What is interesting about this sudden need for a full-time-part-time position is that Yarber says Plumley (the normal chairperson) wants to form a hiring committee to do the hiring of this part-time-full-time person. And County Mayor D. Gary Davis claims he doesn’t have anything to do with the subject. I find both of those statements to be revealing. The most important is that the County Mayor doesn’t have anything to do with the subject — even though the prospective part-time-full-time employee already works for him. Say what?!

Then there are the comments about some sort of ad being run in a local paper, presumably about the hiring, and some more comments about how the expenditure of funds for the new/current employee hasn’t been approved/disapproved by the Finance Committee, and the fact that there is already a county department that does the hiring of employees, and Yarber did not know who posted the ad about the hiring, and, lastly, Yarber suggested that the matter could be discussed with Plumley whenever he got back from wherever he had gone.

Do you all get the impression that Plumley/Yarber are attempting an end-run on we taxpayers? Has anyone asked Plumley why he had to miss a Commission meeting? Has anyone asked Yarber why he, as vice chair, cannot conduct business at the commissioners’ meeting? Isn’t that what the vice chair is supposed to do?

I have to give the commissioner who made the following statement a kudo — “This Commission needs to know everything that’s going on, especially if you are spending money that doesn’t need to be spent.”

Maybe Plumley will attend the next meeting and Yarber won’t have to do anything other than agree with him.

Oh, and did everyone notice that no one had anything to say about the Sheriff?